Putting Down the Fork: The Importance of Mealtime with Baby

Fork, in a resting position.  Taking a moment to enjoy the flavors and my lovely company.  Okay and to take a photo.

I sat through two meals this morning and before I'd eaten a thing.  That's pretty typical lately.  But as I always say in CommonKind programs, you are invited to dinner first for your brilliant personality and second for your ability to eat.  Only, in this situation, I think it's safe to say I am invited first for my ability to feed and second for my brilliant personality.  


The payoff is I'm dining with someone whose brilliant personality I love: Iver, our precious son, born January 27th.

Iver, a view from my arms in his first hours.

Iver, a view from my arms at 3 months

Proving the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Iver is a lover of mealtime.  Born at 7 pounds 4 ounces and 21 inches, he is now almost 16 pounds and 26 inches.  And, true to form, I love "dining" with Iver even if I am, as an exclusively breastfeeding mother, not only his dining companion, but also the restaurant.  And a 24 hour restaurant at that, but I'm not complaining. 

Iver and I need this set from Boob Design, the best maker of breastfeeding clothes, in my opinion.

Breastfeeding is an amazingly fulfilling and unparalleled experience (just a side note to mothers-to-be who want to breastfeed: as natural as it is, breastfeeding may be tough at first--know it's normal and happens to a lot of women.  It may take some help from a great lactation expert, like it did me, but you can almost always be successful if you get good help right away.).  This bonding experience, which can be possible with bottle-feeding, too, is so amazing it has even increased my enthusiasm for the the power of mealtime.  

Watching Daddy set the table

How can feeding a three-month-old have anything to do with the power of mealtime?  It has to do with an idea I call "putting down the fork."  Here's the gist of putting down the fork:

In CommonKind programs with kids (around the table, with food, practicing customs and social skills that encourage coexisting kindly with others), we talk about mealtimes as not just a time to eat, but also an opportunity to get to know people and build relationships–you're first invited for your brilliant personality, remember?  This idea might seem old-fashioned until I bring up a timeless concern: impressing your date!  I like to ask: do you want your date to feel like you're more interested in her or your enchiladas?  Her?  Then put down your fork and rest long enough to talk to her.  Do you want the your date to feel like your more into him or the person you're on your phone texting?  Him?  Maybe put that phone away and talk to him.  They always know what I'm talking about; it seems everyone has felt less important than someone whom the person they're hanging out with is texting.  The kids always seem to understand that building solid relationships takes presence.

I think it's important to put down the fork for Iver at meals, too.  I do that in two ways.

I put down the fork for Iver when it's just him eating.  I don't talk on the phone, I don't check my email, I don't read a book, and I don't watch movies or television.  This is not a totally inflexible rule: I take photos of him, to be sure!  Also, if I get a call from a friend I need to talk to or something important coming in over email that requires a timely response, I'll take care of it, but most things can wait.  When that happens, just like I would with an adult, I gently say to Iver, "Iver, please excuse me, but I need to take this call."  But then I get back to my "conversation" with him, just like I would to anyone else with whom I am building a relationship.  And we're always continuing to build relationships.  

I put down the fork for Iver by including him in family dinners by feeding him at the table if that's when he's hungry.  If he's not hungry, I put him on the floor near us since he's not ready for a high chair and propping babies up before they're ready isn't good for development.  Though I love it now, feeding him when we eat was something I didn't like so much in the first weeks when I didn't realize I could feed him and me at the same time.  Now, he lies in my arms, eats, watches us eat, and listens to us.  He smiles and laughs at what we say, often, chiming in himself with a "gooo," "ahhh," "ohh" and "raa."  The more we talk back, the more he interacts.   Even though Iver may not consciously remember our many meals, they are shaping who he is*.

Eating as we do; Watching Mama talk.  

Telling us a story.

That brings me to what may be at the heart of "putting down the fork": it's a practice.  A practice for slowing down and enjoying life with baby now.  Most emails, calls, texts can wait and waiting helps me realize what's really important and feel less stressed.  "Putting down the fork" is also a practice I hope will show Iver he is worth listening to and will thereby build his self-confidence.  It's a practice for the days to come when Iver is a toddler, older child, or teenager, when I really want to keep the lines of communication open with him.  And it's a practice that is, today, creating our family's rituals and traditions.  The ones that will become his memories of his childhood and, I hope, the warmth of being with his family.  We start these practices now, so that when Iver's older and really talking to us, which will happen all too soon, we'll already be modeling the values we want to instill in him: tolerance, love, compassion, and kindness to himself and others.

A fitting quote a friend recently shared on Facebook, from  Spiritually Thinking

What do you think?  Do you totally get the importance of "putting down the fork" for baby or does it sound pointless to you?  Do you think it matters at Iver's age if a mother is doing other things while she feeds her baby?  Is it okay if she just watches TV or props up the bottle and walks away?  If so, when do you think it starts to matter?  I'm curious to hear what others think or have experienced.  And, if you like it, please share it, and, more importantly, practice it!


*For an excellent, in depth read on brain development in babies and young children, check out Lise Eliot's What's Going on In There; for a shorter read, click here)